At a press conference held this weekend, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino addressed possible national security threats for this Halloween.
Perino said, “Most threats are groups of three to eight children ages 8-13. For example, last October, Virginian officials detained three adolescents who attempted to extort candy on the threat of a “trick” from several homes while in the guise of Count Chocula, Booberry, and Frankenberry. As many as 20 homes were victimized, but fortunately several feral, rabid pit bulls prevented them from launching toilet paper rolls over the roof of Michael Vick’s home.”
Established terror organizations such as Al-Qaeda have also contributed to the situation. In a recently-discovered video from Bin Laden, he says, “The infidels shall rue this day, for we have infiltrated your own national holidays. Your pumpkins shall be annihilated.”
This Saturday, President Bush authorized the deployment of anti-terror units in major U.S. cities to guard possible high-value targets and monitor purchases of Charmin Ultra Soft double-ply toilet paper. A placid, suburban neighborhood in Austin, Texas awoke to the storm of SWAT teams raiding houses suspected of stockpiling fun-sized Twix and Milk Duds, believed to be used to fund the child-terrorist cells. The raids were not without casualties; several foam skeletons, rubber spiders, and a suspicious-looking pumpkin, were found scattered about the now-liberated Maple Street.
The National Security Agency’s (NSA) wiretapping has detected a sharp increase in mysterious telephone-borne communication between suspected terrorists. One call the NSA intercepted—traced to a Madison, Wisconsin man’s apartment—regarded an unidentified subject asking whether the victim’s refrigerator was “running.” NSA officials recognized the term “running” as whether a bomb was armed, and immediately ordered the local bomb squad to destroy the appliance and apprehend the T-shirt clad, Cheeto-covered terrorist, at the time watching the season finale of Days of Our Lives.
Local officials are encouraged to immediately arrest and interrogate anyone attempting to conceal their identity via disguises or makeup this Halloween. Police are urged to detain any suspicious individuals until suspected leader “Mr. Goodbar” is apprehended.