Godzilla vs. The Boy Bands


The sophisticated Italian returns! You should know I’m not a Birkenstock-wearing-country-loving-guy-who-shops-at-Dixie-Oufitters kind of person. When talking about me, prepare to enter the realm of pasta-guzzling, Latin operas, and death-matches involving the Backstreet Boys.

OK, jumping right into it, Hot Topic is my favorite source for wonderful sarcasm based text T-shirts. With shirts saying something like, “People are like slinkies; they’re fun and simple, and it’s always funny to see them fall down stairs,” it’s hard to resist. The neatest place in Alabama must be The Unclaimed Baggage Center. While the whole store is about the size of a small Wal-Mart, the place is crammed with discounted merchandise from $150 Victoria’s Secret lingerie (marked down to $20) to a boy band’s $60 CD collection (marked down to $4). Among my other favorite stores, Starbucks is definitely numero uno. Their vast variety of drinks is what makes it amazing. Wonderful frappes and coffees from everywhere make this the best coffee joint in the world.

Claire’s is the absolute opposite of Hot Topic. You go from black and deep red to pink and fluff in less than ten seconds. I think there’s just too much happiness in that horrid shop. Here in the Deep South everyone seems to be in love with Dixie Outfitters. I hate it in its entirety. So many people supporting the Confederacy so strongly is a little sickening. T-shirts like, “The Confederacy will rise again!” and, “We will secede!” strike me as odd. Build-A-Bear Workshop is the last place I will ever go. I’m sure I would die if I had to work there.

Music is a controversial subject for me. I love operas, classical music, and metal. Operas give me the chills when they are Latin or Russian; they are the best operas ever written. My favorites are Nessun Dorma (Russian) and O Fortuna (Latin). Classical music can be either very soothing or hardcore-to-the-bone. The difference between Pachelbel’s Canon and Ride of the Valkries is huge. I don’t know why I like metal. It is music that is just good to listen to instead of appreciating the musical value.

However, Pop is so ungodly repugnant that I’d like to see boy bands in a death-match with Godzilla; I really would almost enjoy these guys being blown away by the Tokyo-terrorizing lizard. I think it’s the repetitive subject of the songs that really irritates me; it seems to me that every song is talking about how they feel about their latest boyfriend or girlfriend. These guys’ managers get about a billion dollars from the millions of fans; the problem is that they don’t last more than two albums. What really spells their doom is the unfortunate Christmas album; it’s all down hill from there. Rap is not as bad as pop. The songs have catchy tunes but annoy me out of my mind. I don’t get how that is even music. Country and New Wave are two things that never cease to bug me. Country just rants about lost love, dogs, and cheating spouses, and New Wave just confuses me.

Moving along, meat is a wonderful thing; I believe that my protein levels will be at a potentially dangerous level by the time I’m in my 20’s because I eat so much meat. Lamb is my favorite meat if it is cooked correctly; improperly cooked lamb can be disgusting. After Italian, Vietnamese and Indian are my favorite cooking styles. The Indians’ tandoori grilling exploits flavors to reach a food’s maximum taste potential. My Italian taste buds are strong. Pasta is the best food ever made. Penne, Linguini, Zitti, and Rotini are among my favorites.

Beans, greens, and casseroles are among the worst foods ever! The aroma from beans is what gets me. Eating greens gives me the textural impression that I’m eating moistened yarn. Casseroles look and smell delicious, but the taste is nauseating. I’m not sure what the ingredient is inside the dish, but whatever it is it does not appeal to my taste at all.

I have many philosophies on life. The most prominent one is that I really think that somewhere in this screwed up world there is a Build-A-Bear Workshop blasting N’Sync just waiting for me.