How to Efficiently Destroy Your Planet [while keeping promises to oil lobbyists]

Our “elected” leader’s good old boys truly endeavor to please our nation’s source of power and affected eminence: the corporations. A more reasonable, cost-efficient strategy for the government is to simply abandon any prospects of preserving the Earth for our posterity. Why should such trivialities as the environment or the world’s future concern our surely de jure, un-cronied Presidential Cabinet? After all, President Bush has already appointed former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond to lead America’s Alternative Energy Future program, so our future in a petroleum-energy-monopoly is taken care of. Also, to prevent idle speculation over the obvious “myth” of global warming, the conservative think tank American Enterprise Institute, vice-chaired by Mr. Raymond and sponsored by $1.6 million of ExxonMobil, has offered $10,000 to any economist or scientist who undermines a recent global-warming-supporting report published by the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. Even the United States’ James Connaughton, the senior environmental advisor to President Bush as Chairman of the Council on Environmental Quality, ensures such useless banter over industrial pollution to the air, sea, and land never reaches our impressionable President’s ears; even if an evil climatologist from NASA presents Congress with information regarding global warming or, god forbid, carbon emissions, President Bush is under strict orders from Connaughton to disregard these insidious comments as blatant conjectures. Fortunately, President Bush’s goodfellas, operating under the alias of the “Presidential Cabinet,” supports the destruction of the Earth’s future to hasten the inevitable process of mass destruction. The Bureau of Land Management recently initiated a last-ditch effort of destruction by altered a policy that makes cleanup at oil spill sites merely voluntary for the corporation responsible. Rest assured, mutated frogs developing in the wastewater of where these spills occur will only cause the extinction of 88% of Earth’s species.